Ahhhh, sugar…oh, how you make me feel good and give me a jolt of energy…and then leave me feeling gross and tired. I can’t say it is sugar that has gotten me, ahem, a bit chubby, though it hasn’t helped, that’s for sure. I am pretty good about not having sugar in my teas and try to stay away from sweets. Yet, there are SO many other things that have sugar. Even when it says sugar: 0, you still have to investigate the ingredients. People are up in arms over vaccines conspiracies, why aren’t we just as concerned about sugar (and salt). I have cut sugar, dairy and bread before due to an unknown allergy issue so I know I can do it. But that damn 3 o’clock lull in the day makes me want to hunt, neanderthal-style, for anything that gives me a zip. Or when I am on my period I want chocolate so bad I would steal it from a baby and maybe not feel bad about it. Now that I am 36, I kind of gotta do the adult thing and look after my body. Ugh, adulting is so harrrrrrrd!
One thing about being honest I know that I am clever at justifying and deflecting when it comes to eating. So that means I got to catch the bullshit things I say,
“It’s a birthday thing, so I had to have cake”
“Hmmm, but did you? Did you really have to?”
“Birthday, I said”
Or, my favorite is the fries justification. Everyone loves fries so you don’t even have to really make sense for the other person to agree.
“It’s Wednesday so I’m going to have fries instead of the salad”
Other person, “You go girl! Fries are like the best.”
The other thing have to be aware of is playing the victim. I was never an average weight – I was underweight or overweight. Meals have always been stressful as I felt like someone was always critiquing me. And, then I use the “everyone is so mean and against me so I am going to eat everything on my plate and have seconds. That will show them when I am so full I can only roll away.” I also inhale food, hungry or not, because dinner time wasn’t always a fun time at my house. I wanted to eat and get out of dodge. Any criticism or stress while I am eating is a food trigger. Now don’t get the tissues out. I know what I am doing and still do it, and that is what I need to fix.
Food is not a friend. While I think it comforts me, it only hurts me in the end. It’s not even an ex you can rid of, but more like a family member you have to compromise with to co-exist. When my grandmother passed away and I lost my job..I ate. I also stopped exercising and just felt bad about everything. When my ex-boyfriend would get on me about not exercising and eating too much I would only feel hurt and angry. He then would get frustrated and mean. I would get even more…fat. Hence, now I need more food. Also, again, I will show him by getting super fat. Ha, there!
Oh wait, I am the one who is now huffing after walking a few steps. That wasn’t how it was in my head. I am uncomfortable in my body. This is not about wanting to fit in size 00 so I can take selfies about how thin and suddenly amazing I am and look. I’m starting to get bad posture, my bad knee is aching from the extra weight, I feel bloated and nothing fits like it used to and then that just makes me buy bigger clothes to hide myself. I’m deflecting not solving anything. Now I can be the “poor me” and someday appear on My 600-lb life, or I can use tough love.
I’m starting slow…painfully slow. On May 1st, I will be giving up as much sugar as I can. This means no sweets or actual sugar products but may still eat other foods with sugar in it. Since I am sensitive to it anyway I am giving up milk products, except cheese and yogurt (this is just for everyone’s safety). Bread is my love…I can have dry toast and it’s like heaven. Alas, I will be eating bread only 3 times a week. (I mentally just cried after a small montage of different kinds of bread played in my head). I am going to try this for a month and see how it goes and will let you know my progress – good or bad. In June, I will be trying yoga…which might make for a good YouTube video.